Month: April 2014

MAKING AMENDS, ASKING FORGIVENESS, AND LOSING YOUR GUILT: Part Two

by Dyanne Bresler, LCPC, RN

forgiveness

Ok, so you’ve realized you made a mistake and that it has had an undesired effect on a relationship. You want to get past it. You need to get past it.  Here are some helpful steps:

1. Take time to think about what your loved one experienced with the event. Review your    behavior. Own to yourself what you did, said, or didn’t do that you should have done.

Make notes, because you’re going to say these things out loud when you’re ready.

Ask yourself: what did I say or do that was hurtful?  Be as specific as you can. This is what you’re apologizing for. What is the background of the person whom I hurt?  How did that person’s history contribute to that person’s reaction? (Imagine if you slapped someone who has a history of abuse or threatened to leave someone who has a history of abandonment?)

How do you think the person felt when the event occurred?  Use words to describe feelings. Sad, Angry, Hurt, Violated, Lonely, Abandoned, Insulted are a few examples.

How so you suppose your behavior has impacted on others?  And how have your behavior and feelings about it impacted you?

2. Prepare yourself for making a sincere and heartfelt apology only if you are ready to take steps to stop the behavior, and to let that person know what those steps will be.

3. If you created some damage, think about what you can do to “clean up” the mess. Be specific. If you lied, tell the truth. If you took something that doesn’t belong to you, give it back. If you broke trust, think about what you can do to earn it back and do it. Consistently.

4. If what you’ve done is hurtful behavior that you are repeating you need to consider what makes it different now. 

This is a big deal to consider, and it makes sense to approach a behavior change with the respect it deserves.  It can get complicated, and may have roots that go into family of origin issues, depression, feelings of abandonment,  anger, substance abuse, anxiety and fear. Get help from a psychotherapist if you feel stuck on any part of this. This is exactly what they do best.

5. If the other person has been hurtful to you too, now is not the time to recount that person’s responsibility. You deserve your own time to talk about your hurts, and the person who hurt you deserves time to think about making amends to you. Do not make the amends process into a recounting of the other person’s faults or contributions. This is about what YOU did and it needs to be addressed by you.

ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS             

When you feel ready, make an appointment with the person who will receive the apology.

You can say something like, “I would like to make an apology to you. Would you be willing to hear it tonight at 7:00?”

1. Bring your notes. It’s okay to refer to them if you need to. Make eye contact when you offer your apology and ask for forgiveness. Say why you want forgiveness (e.g., “I miss the good times we have had and I would like to have a good relationship with you” or “I am saddened to know that you have felt hurt/angry/disappointed, and I would like a chance to repair our relationship”).

2. Ask for forgiveness, but be aware that it may not come immediately. Sometimes people need to digest the apology, to wrestle with their own demon of wanting to hurt back. It’s okay to tell them you’re prepared to wait for them to consider forgiveness BUT that does not mean forever.

Feeling guilt about a wrong you’ve done feels like an emotional prison, and if you’ve done the work of making full amends, set yourself free.

 

Side Effects

by Katie Cavanagh Petersen LCSW, CYT

One sunny Sunday afternoon, I was relaxing in my chair reading. My husband was watching golf on TV. I am surprised I was still awake because this is my prime opportunity for a nap. What kept me awake were the commercials. I was stunned by all the different medications for mental illness that are advertised on TV. What surprised me even more are the side effects that may occur while taking these medications. I thought, “I would rather be sick!” I heard so many side effects from so many different medications; explosive diarrhea, impaired judgment, dry mouth, nausea, sexual dysfunction, insomnia, fatigue, constipation, urinary retention, blurred vision, dizziness, weight gain, sweating, nervousness, elevated heart rate, bronchial dysfunction, rashes, sweating, chills, nausea, mood changes and the forever puzzling and ironic side effect, suicidal and homicidal ideation. How can an anti-depressant make people want to kill themselves or others?

According to the Center for Disease Control, long-term side effects intensify especially when patients are co-prescribed multiple psychotropics such as a stimulant for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) plus an anti-psychotic for a “disease” such as Bipolar Disorder. Symptoms include feelings of paranoia and anger, arrhythmia (irregular heart beat) ischemia, (inadequate blood supply to organs) pulmonary events, tardive dyskinesia (neurological disorder characterized by involuntary movements of the face) Parkinsonism (instability in walking) and obesity, which leads to type 2 diabetes. Patients also report numbness in their emotions and not being able to laugh or cry.

Diagnoses such as Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, (OCD) are scary to hear from a doctor, especially when the subject is you or your child. People obviously want to get past this low point in their lives and do whatever they can to feel better as quickly as possible. Of course, this is understandable. I have heard my clients and friends say that medication helps them calm down, or to focus, get out of bed, sleep better, stop checking the stove 85 times a day, or obsessing about their body image. Psychotropic drugs can be valuable to help a patient turn down the volume of crippling anxiety or lifting some pressure from the vise of clinical depression, but so are placebos. According to an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, sugar pills are as effective in treating depression as prescription medication. I believe most people have the power to alter their thoughts even in the worst situation. Unfortunately, a lot of us are putting a prescription band-aid on emotional wounds before cleaning them out.

Placebo

What Sunday afternoon golf commercials don’t disclose is the alarming frequency of Americans who are medicated. According to the American Psychological Association, approximately one in five take at least one psychotropic medication. So many people are taking Prozac, it is being found in our drinking water! Patients visit their family doctor or their friend’s medicine cabinet and walk away with a prescription for an “anti-depressant” or other prescription medication without considering evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is an approach that embraces the problem and trains the brain to attain acceptance and achieve positive goals.

CBT can be combined with fun, interactive activities like yoga, art, pet therapy, dancing, music, gardening, mindfulness, walking or just about anything to help the patient engage in wellness and appreciation of the present moment. Participants learn to recognize how early symptoms physically feel in their bodies, and to get in control of them before slipping into darkness. CBT frees up roadblocks to inner growth, and helps us change the things we can. With motivation and guidance, evidence-based therapies are more reliable than medication. When a patient engages in therapy, he or she can rely on themselves and the skills learned to feel better.

To put it simply: therapy works better than medication without the negative side effects. The patient learns told the mind to react to irrational thoughts just as they are…thoughts.