dr paterno

New Parent Club Now Forming! TIPS!

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I’m starting a new club called The Imperfect Parents Society, or TIPS for short.
by: Dr. Dathan Paterno

One of the weaknesses many parents bring to the adventure of parenting is the fantasy of perfectionism. Parents—mothers, more often—have a dream that they will be perfect and that their children will respond to their ideal parenting by being wholly obedient, respectful, sensitive, hard-working, and considerate. When their children’s behavior falls short, they presume one of two things: either there is something desperately wrong with their child or they have not quite learned the magic of “perfect parenting” and they must seek out the Holy Secret of Parenting Bliss. They come to me for this.

As is my wont, I shock them with…well, the truth. It’s kinda fun, to be honest. Time after time, I assuage parents’ guilt and concern by informing them that both they and their child are perfectly normal—that obnoxious, ridiculous behavior is a normal function of childhood.
I usually start with the following presuppositions:
  1. All parents are imperfect, usually in a few important ways and always in several minor ways.
  2. Parenting imperfections do affect children—sometimes seriously, sometimes negatively—almost always inadvertently.
  3. Children are quite resilient to parental imperfections, as long as love, concern, and discipline are the rule, rather than the exception.
  4. Parents who are aware of their imperfections and can accept themselves as imperfect parents are poised to minimize the damage that is done to their children.
If I can convince a parent of these things, then I can pretty much guarantee success for the family. I can help the parent separate what is normal childhood ridiculousness and what is truly pathological. Most of the time, however, the latter category has nothing in it, because the vast majority of children are normal—and so are the parents.

So, if you are a parent, you are imperfect. If you recognize it, you’re welcome in the club. It’s a big club.

Join me on The Imperfect Parents Society (TIPS) on Facebook!

Let’s Start a Family…Not!

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by Dr. Dathan Paterno

Today is Pet Peeve Day. In case you didn’t know, the second week of June is Pet Peeve Week. I just made it so. 

So one of my biggest pet peeves is when parents say “We’re going to start a family” when referring to their decision to have children. Umm, news flash: if you are married and deciding to have children, you already are a family. This is an important distinction to make. It isn’t just semantics; it has enormous implications for how you will parent and how your marriage will survive parenthood.

A new family is formed when a man and woman marry (I’m not going to get into same-sex marriage here), whether or not the wife takes her husband’s name, vice-versa, or neither spouse changes names. The wedding pronounces the new family’s primary members and officials: Husband and Wife, Mom and Dad, Chief Executive Officer and Chief Operating Officer, President and Vice-President, King and Queen, co-consuls, Czar and Czarina, or whatever other titles make sense to you. The point is that you are family before you have children. 

If you conceive—pun intended—of your family as beginning when your first child arrives, you make the child the primary focus of your family. It is as if your family simply could not exist or survive without that child. This threatens your family’s hierarchy. Instead of a healthier parent-first hierarchy, your family will descend into child-first thinking. Children do not need to be first. They need to know that they have entered an already existing system, with firmly established rules, boundaries, expectations, and relationships. In short, children need to know that their place in the family is of equal value, worth, and love, but that the parents hold the positions of authority.

So instead of saying, “We’re starting a family”, say “We’re ready to expand our family!” or “We’re going to start having children”. Or if you are feeling a bit cheeky, “It’s time we added to our workforce!”

Top Ten Behaviors that Parents in Charge Never Tolerate

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by Dr. Dathan Paterno

Parents in Charge is the term I use for those parents who are in control of their families without being too controlling. Of course, Parents in Charge do not have perfect children. Their children can be ridiculous and foolish just as any other children can. However, Parents in Charge do not tolerate such behavior. They expect their children to exhibit superb behavior and reinforce them when they behave well. When their cherubs choose to misbehave, they enforce consequences that make them wish they had behaved better.

The following is a list of behaviors I see many parents tolerating that simply should not be.

1. Parents in Charge do not allow their children to order them in any way: not about meals, not about wheels, not about stations, not about vacations. They will not boss them here or there; they will not boss them anywhere!

2. Children who have Parents in Charge do not Answer Shop (e.g., appeal to Dad when Mom has said “no”), because they know this will not be tolerated.

3. Parents in Charge do not tolerate eye-rolling, arm-folding, stomping, door-slamming, or any looks that suggest they are from another planet, especially when establishing limits or bestowing one of their many invaluable pearls of wisdom.

4. Parents in Charge do not tolerate children whispering “whatever” or speaking anything under their breath to or about them.

5. Parents in Charge do not sustain their child’s whining, nagging, or even adorable begging in order to get things that can be gotten with “Please, may I…” Parents in Charge can spot and dodge even the best brown-nosing maneuvers.

6. Insulting a Parent in Charge never pays because Parents in Charge never tolerate their child calling them “retarded”, “lame”, or “backward” (even though all parents slip into one of these from time to time).

7. Parents in Charge do not suffer complaints of boredom. They respond to such complaints by saying, “Only boring people get bored. Interesting people find or create something to do. If you would like my guidance, I have a fantastic list of chores that could keep you occupied for hours. Would you…hey, where are you going?!”

8. In restaurants, Parents in Charge do not tolerate obnoxious behavior. If their child acts out, they take him outside or to the bathroom, establish the seriousness of the expectations, give him an attitude adjustment if necessary, and assure him that if he acts out again, he will be eating wheat bread and broccoli when he gets home. Parents in Charge follow through with this.

9. Parents in Charge never tolerate other children misbehaving in their home without consequence. Rather, a Parent in Charge asserts his sovereignty gently but firmly, confronting any misbehavior and removing the child from the home if necessary. Afterwards, the parent communicates very clearly to that child’s parents what occurred and which behaviors will not be tolerated in their home. Finally, the Parent in Charge extends an open invitation for the child to return to the home if the child can respect the family’s limits and boundaries.

10. Finally, Parents in Charge witness no positive behavior from their children without acknowledging, appreciating, praising, respecting, and expressing gratitude for it. Parents in Charge know their children crave their love, acceptance, attention, and approval and waste no opportunity to dole it out.

When Kids Go Nuclear…

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by Dr. Dathan Paterno
“I’m going to kill myself!” Those have to be just about the most terrifying words that a parent can hear from their child. Variations on a theme include:
“I wish I were dead.” “I wish I had never been born.” “Why don’t you just kill me?” “I am going to kill my brother/sister!”
Today, children are suspended from school for saying such intemperate things—or even drawing pictures that depict violent fantasies. They have to go through a mental health assessment to determine whether they are safe to return from school. Most of this is nonsense, since children are prone to “go nuclear” with their language when they are upset and are not being heard with conventional language.
The fact is that the vast majority of children who say these things do not actually wish to commit suicide or otherwise die, wish they had never been born, or wish to murder someone. While this kind of language does require immediate and sincere attention, the fortunate fact is that very few children who make these kinds of statements actually follow through on them.
Please do not think I am so naïve to believe that no child is truly suicidal or does not wish to bring one of these darkest realities to fruition. I have witnessed a good many children attempt suicide; I know first-hand that some children go to that darkest of places. However, even many of those children’s attempts to act out their pitch-black fantasies would have been averted if the adults in their lives had paid close attention to the signs that their children put in their line of vision.
If your child says something like that, it is critical that you avoid acting based on emotionality. The instinctual part of you is highly emotional, protective, and defensive. Tell that part of you to take a back seat for a moment. The first thing you should do is presume that there is a good reason why Junior has elevated the language to the nuclear stage and that if you listen carefully, you and the child can figure it out. “I want to kill myself” is usually a highly creative and effective metaphor for “I am really miserable and I need you understand. When I just say ‘I’m sad’, you don’t listen or understand, so I have to talk suicide for you to really get it!”
Here’s a good response: “Wow, it sounds like you’re trying to get me to see just how upset you are about something. Can you tell me how bad you really feel and what it is about?”
Most of the time, your child will walk right into that open door and will express his/her angry, confused, sad, frustrated, hopeless, or overwhelmed feelings. You can then validate the feelings the child has; what parent can’t understand fright, sadness, anger, overwhelm, and confusion? If you can validate your child’s feelings, then he or she will feel heard and understood, removing the need to use metaphor to describe the pain. Essentially, if a lower level of communication does the trick, the child will not need to resort to more intense metaphor.
Pay attention, parents. Your child is speaking to you. If you do not listen, you will invite your child to raise the ante, or in some cases, go nuclear.

Dr. Paterno is available for appearances, speaking engagements and lectures. For information, please contact ImaginePublicity at imaginepublicity@gmail.com or imaginepublicity.com

To Tell or Not to Tell: It Shouldn’t Be a Question

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by Dr. Dathan Paterno

One of the factors that determine whether bullying will increase in intensity and frequency is the degree of involvement peers have in the process. Peers can intervene directly by stopping bullying as it occurs, ostracizing the bully, supporting the victim directly, or by telling adult authorities about the bullying. As many of you know, peers tend to stay out of the process altogether, which further reinforces the bully’s behavior. Essentially, their lack of involvement sanctions the bully and says that it is OK on their end.

This must stop. Peers must take some responsibility for their neighbors. Remember the golden rule? In case you missed that Sunday School, it goes like this: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This is not a mere suggestion; it is a command. It is a child’s social and moral obligation to stand up to bullies and to stand up for the victim.

Now, I understand that children will be equipped differently to respond to bullying. Stronger, bigger children will be able to intervene directly. The more savvy and trusted children can tell teachers, principals, school social workers, and parents about the bullying. Some can take the victim aside—at any time, not just after an incident of bullying—and offer that child all kinds of emotional support. Some of the more creative children could start a campaign against bullying, by having peers sign a petition, such as “End Ritual Child Abuse! STOP Bullying!” or “Bullies Are NOT Cool! They Are Weak!” Any and all of these can help both curb bullying behavior and, just importantly, support the victims of bullying.

In my work with children, I hear countless stories of children who are afraid to tell teachers and other adults about being bullied and abused. It is incredibly shameful to admit, partly because it is an admission of weakness and an inability to handle the situation on their own. However, there is an additional reason why many children avoid telling adults.

Some schools frown on “tattling”. Wisely and with good intent, many schools take pains to differentiate between tattling and telling. Tattling, they reason, is reporting nitpicky things to adults, like minor squabbling, faces, minor name-calling, bragging, etc. Telling, on the other hand, is reporting serious problems like violence and other dangerous situations. It all makes sense on the surface. One problem is that victims of bullying tend to err on the side of avoiding because they don’t want to be “tattlers”. Who wants to be nicknamed “The Tattler”?

Another problem, as I have previously discussed, is that children do not want to stir up even more trouble for themselves. Children possess enough intuition to know that schools generally do not use their power enough to make a bully stop; they know that the bully will get a minor consequence, then be right back at the bullying. And this time, with more steam. Not only does the bully continue, but he/she has a justifiable reason to seek vengeance—“You got me in trouble! Now I’m going to make you pay!”

If schools want children to report bullying, then they will have to learn to respond with gusto. Until then, expect most children to hide their abuse from the adults who are entrusted to protect them and teach them life lessons.